Here is the first chapter of 'Nightmare after Breakfast and other Stories'. I hope you like it and go to lulu.com and pick up a copy of the ebook.
Nightmare after Breakfast
The noise was deafening! What was all the commotion about? I jumped from my warm bed to still the racket. "Do you hear that?” I asked my still sleeping partner. Getting a negative answer I rushed to the kitchen and threw open the door on the refrigerator. The milk fairly jumped into my hand. "Take me, use me". If it had knees it would have been on them, begging. The noise was still there, what was it? I flew to the pantry. Cornflakes!! I seized the box, and poured some into a bowl. I topped it off with some cold milk. Yes, that was the source of all the ado. Breakfast was calling me.Some people have an ear for music, whereas mine is tuned to food. Garden items take on a life of their own when I am around. Early mornings are the worst, because the cereals tend to make a sound similar to a party about to be raided. The longer I wait the worse it gets. I tried to stay in bed past 8:00 one time, and woke up with a string of cheerios tugging at my arm. Gotta watch them, they get themselves interlocked and act like a cowboy’s lasso. They know when it is time to eat and will not stop until my fast is broken. I almost got nailed by a couple of eggs once, but I threatened to hard boil instead of fry them. They sulked back to the fridge and left me alone. Eggs don't mind being fried, but being hard-boiled is no yolk for them.Having fed my face, I decided this might be the best time to go get groceries. I learned a long time ago that it is not safe for me to do this on an empty stomach. I had a bad experience with that situation. Foods that I would not even want to be in the same store with, suddenly jumped out at me. Okra's tried rolling under my feet and I caught a couple of mushrooms trying to plant themselves in my cart! Hastily I tried to make my escape, when I noticed some bean sprouts had intertwined themselves around my legs and were holding me fast. I broke free just in time to avoid the eggplant rush. Those vegetables get mean sometimes. I felt safe this morning. My stomach was not sending out distress signals. As I guided my cart towards the vegetable aisle, my senses went on peak alert. I thought I heard a plaintive cry. Rounding the corner, a poor chili pepper was shriveling up in utter distress. I learned the tail soon enough. The poor pepper had the hots for a red hot tomato, but to his horror someone had just picked her up without so much as a second thought as to the feelings of the poor pepper. He cried out to her to marry him, but her reply was, "Cantelope with you; they won't lettuce." His woe was deepened when he heard the words, "This one looks very saucy". I tried to console him by pointing out a very hot jalapeno just on the other side of him. She told him she was burning with desire. I left them to get acquainted and proceeded down the aisle. Off to my left, things were really jumping. The floor was soaked. The onions were laughing so hard they were actually crying. The potatoes had their eyes glued across the aisle. I now understood the source of the mirth. The very husky sweet corn was throwing out some really corny jokes. They were located in the right place because right behind them were all the nuts. The walnuts were cracking one-liners left and right and the pistachios were splitting their sides. Most of the Brazilians were a hard nut to crack, but some had busted their seams laughing. I saw a small riot starting back besides the cabbages. The biggest head of the bunch was getting ready to jump over the wall and smash their neighbors. I asked what the problem was. "Those are the freshest beans I have ever encountered". Turns out that the longest and lankiest of the new pile of green beans was making passes at the wax beans on the other side of the cabbage. I calmed the beans down and asked after the rest of the family. "Not so good, I'm afraid. Most of them got canned last week". I pointed out that their bin mates on the other side of them didn't seem too upset about their family being taken. "Of course not, they were being pickled". Just what this world needs, cucumbers with a hangover! I heeded the call of the next stop when I heard the cry of "Lettuce be your salad". It was a good idea. I found the bakery. A well bread aisle if there ever was one. The eyes of the potato bread followed me all the way to the bagel section. I bagged a few bagels. The hunting was good this morning. I set my sights a little higher and thought, "Cheese, there must be something I want." As I passed the dairy section, a whimpering from the sack in my cart was heard to plea, "Butter me up". I threw in a pound of margarine. This was not eggs actly where I wanted to be, but I grabbed a couple dozen of the hen fruits just for good measure. Never know when a good yolk is called for. I was startled by the loud yell, "Yogurt away from here". I know what that stuff does to me, so I bee-lined it out of there. That reminded me, we don't have any honey at home. I made a mental note to pick some up. I hate the idea of getting home and being stung by forgetting it. Hot dog! I mustard get some o this yellow stuff to really bring out the flavor. I'll let my other half ketchup with me with this bottle of smashed tomato stuff. I have to give my condiments to the cook, she can make a seven course meal out of dogs, burgers and chips. Ok, I know this sounds a little corny, but I do need to pick up a bag of Fritos. As I headed down the aisle I noticed how some of the corn really exploded just to please us. I preferred doing my popcorn in the hotbox at home so that it is nice and warm. My favorite way to relax is to nuke some corn and wash it down with cola while enjoying a movie on the idiot box. Stepping around the corner to the soda aisle I get a large Jolt. Actually, the Jolt got me, a whole case o the stuff!! I threw it back, too much caffeine. I'm from the Pepsi Generation, this new kid on the block knocks my system out of whack. With a spritely step, I wandered down towards the cola section. "Orange you gonna grab ups a couple o me boxes?" Orange soda never was known for good English. Gingerly ale made some selections. Might root around for some non-alcoholic beer. I looked down to reprimand the orange soda for such poor use of the language. "Hey, now this is cherry! "Threw a case of black cherry into the cart. "Watch it!! We're getting a little soft down here". I moved the margarine. Just for medicinal purposes I grabbed a case of Dr. Pepper. Well, it's time to cow down and check out the real piggish department. As it turned out, I was a little chicken, so I threw some skinless breasts into the cart. I followed the cooler down towards Elsie's family. I steaked out some decent cuts and piled them on top of the soda. Hunger was creeping up on me and my ribs were getting sore, so I grabbed a couple of packages. While in that area I started licking my chops in anticipation. In goes some cellophane wrapped cuts of pork. While walking along I realize that I am supposed to be the person that brings home the bacon, so into the cart with a couple of pounds. The cart is almost overflowing. Well, before there are no sides left on this cart, I better add in some side dishes. Ah, this was so rice. If I sneak back and snatch one of those hysterical onions we could make pilaf. Working my way down the aisle, some macaroni was trying to elbow its way in to my cart. I need to call my realtor when I leave here. I wanted a piece of land that is a foot wide and a mile long so that I can raise spaghetti. If the land has too many bumps I may have to settle for lasagna noodles. I just found the ideal side dish for Sunday, angel hair pasta. Holy cow! I almost had the entire heavenly meal for this coming day of rest. Already have the pasta and ribs (a few extra from Adam?). I just needed to pick up some peas (a very well mannered vegetable), and an angel food cake. Let's see, on this end we have cashews, walnuts and on the other end was where mushrooms and chickens get creamed. Cans to the left of me and jars to the right. I should be able to complete the vegetables here anyway. These beans think they are just stringing me along. Into the cart with two cans of the French cut style. I bean up and down this aisle and don't see anything else worth getting. I took a left at the end.Now this was flaky! Those pastries kept popping up. Sorry, I don't pick up tarts. That was the kinkiest aisle in the store. They do things with corn and rice that is almost sinful. There was a box that put a whole new twist to popcorn. Well, for one thing it said corn pops, not the other way around.